the woe of traveling

is meeting people that you know you will have to part soon and might never have a chance to see again. I often try to persuade myself that it's all worth it, being able to make special connections with people you hardly know, sharing so many beautiful moments and the joy of life, learning how to live better each day. It's a little bit easier when the connection is platonic; friendship is something that I can try to keep through the internet. But if it's romantic, what am i supposed to do?

can't wait for it to end

I rarely ever say that i don't like something or someone and people think i'm just trying to be diplomatic. The simple truth is that i don't have the "extreme" personality. I might feel upset, disappointed, irritated or whatever, but in the end i don't hold much feeling about that person. I honestly can't think of anyone that i actively dislike [must be someone who constantly lies and cheats, and luckily i have never ran into such a person] and there are very few that i don't like, so it surprised me how much i don't like Mr. J., given that i haven't spent that much amount of time here. I can barely stand the time that i spend in his presence [or he spends in my presence]. It's all bullshit.

ego

I say that if you care about me, you'd understand, please don't worry about me, let me do what i want. But maybe i'm just selfish, doing whatever that springs up in my mind without sparing a thought for others.

I say that i'm bad at keeping in touch, but i still treasure whatever we have between/among us. I'd like to think that i'm being present where i am, but maybe i'm just selfish and only reach out to people when i need them.

I say that i don't have a boyfriend, cause i move around too often, and cause i'm incapable of spending my whole time with someone, that it'd suffocate me. But maybe, i'm just really selfish and don't know how to curve my ego, to know how to take a step back to accommodate someone. They say all relationship must have some kind of compromise. Maybe.

why internship is great

4th day in A'bad and 3rd day in the office and a few important things that I realized some time before are reinforced:

- sitting at one place makes me feel restless, gluing my eyes to the computer exhausts me physically and mentally (wonder how computer engineers can cope with that exhaustion). Pacing around the office space is not enough to unleash my energy. I don't think I'd be able to content myself with a 9-5 office job.

- i CANNOT stay with someone 24/7, unless said person gives me some reasonable personal space, i.e. doesn't require me to communicate and to be present with him all the time, i can choose when i want to talk or listen.

- i don't really talk about what i've accomplished, or for that matter, merely what i've done in my life, to people that i don't know well. Yes, i can chit chat and drop in some details from time to time to build up the rapport and confidence, but no more. And I welcome people to confide in me, it makes for easy conversation, and I do think of myself as a sympathetic (and sometimes even empathetic) listener, but no more than that! Incessant talking kills all the fun in verbal exchange, especially when i'm NOT asking any questions. It tires and bores me. And if it revolves mainly around personal achievements, it breeds nothing but the reverse effect on me because I've grown more and more allergic/aversed to anything akin to a personality cult.

- i need a supporting work environment, which fortunately i'm having, and which includes: friendly coworkers, and supervisors who guide, not dictate or impose on me.

- diversity in my activities is one of my existential needs; i have to split myself up; i am simply not able to get consumed in one single thing

- pros and cons of working with people whose mother tongue I don't understand (will expand on this regarding traveling): people's amusement with me trying to learn a few Hindi phrases, their eagerness (and mine) to overcome our different accents, etc. The other side of it is that it's unlikely that i'll develop any deep relationship with my coworkers, with language being such an essential part in the way i communicate with the world. I don't really know what's going on in the office, the dynamics, the talk, the argument and conflict (if they do exist) and how they're resolved. I'd want to learn not only professional, but also relationship skills. For that reason, I'm distancing myself from the search of an internship next summer in some place like Japan. My Japanese has degraded rapidly, in an out of control manner and it'd take a lot of time to rebuff it.

10 years

Tu said: it's been 10 years. I counted with my finger phanlanxes: 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, 3; that's true, it's been 10 years. Time goes fast, i have friends who i've known for half, even for three fourths of my life (i'm 20). Feel so touched and incredibly lucky.
A few days later, i told him: i think about the future, in a few years from now, each of us will have our own job and be busy with our own life and we won't be able to see each other (i avoided saying that our group would break up), that'd be so sad.
He replied: for each period we'll find a different way of relating to each other, we'll keep different memories, friends will stay friends.
It doesn't sound untrue.

family anecdotes

anecdote #1
The 2 granddaughters of my host mom came over for a few days during their school vacation. At the end of their stay, my host mom had to take them to their other grandmother's. I asked her if it was far and she replied it wasn't, it was in Grenoble.
Thought to myself: and they never pay visit to each other (or do they and I'm not aware?)

anecdote #2
asked Aurélie if she went home often. She wanted to clarify what I meant by often because from the point of view of a French, yes, but from that of an Italian, no.
I turned to Cristiano: so by Italian standard, do you go home often? - No, but for me that's enough. From Milan it takes about 3 hours by car and I go home once every couple of months or so. But I have friends who come home every weekend, that's the Italian way.

anecdote #3
if asked where's my native place [quê], i'd say Nam Dinh because that's where my grandfather was born and brought up, even though i don't even go there every year, and i've stayed overnight there only ONCE my whole life, and because it was a trip with Hoa.

anecdote #4
A little bit more than a month ago, my parents went to Thanh Hoa for the death anniversary of Ngo Ro, the grandfather of the founding father of my dad's village in Nam Dinh. It's said that during the war, for fear that the bomb would destroy all the seals and tablets of Ngo Tu (son of Ngo Ro and father of the village founder), the people in Thanh Hoa had to borrow a car to carry everything to Nam Dinh. After seven, eight hundred years and tens of generations (each of them had probably at least ten children), they could still keep track of all the family annals and know for sure where everyone was. That takes a lot of talents.

3rd day in Ha Noi

likes:
- friends
- food
- tree shaded streets

dislikes:
- dirt
- humidity
- no urban planning
- race of house building, banging and smashing deafeningly from dawn till dusk, nowadays the tearing down and building up houses has even surpassed road repair.
- bicycle has almost disappeared from the street
- gasoline fume
- food hygiene and inflation which drive everyone into superstores.

and a little bit sad because
- banaba has died and flamboyant is no longer flamboyant.
- no Euro scene. no atmosphere (probably because of inflation)