googled myself

To see how popular i am. Clearly i'm not. Only a couple of results popped up. That hurt my ego a little bit ;) but at least i don't have anything to fear for my future job apps. Anyways, i came across this photo in the Wes Connection newsletter, taken in the fall or 2005, in front of church

can't wait for it to end

I rarely ever say that i don't like something or someone and people think i'm just trying to be diplomatic. The simple truth is that i don't have the "extreme" personality. I might feel upset, disappointed, irritated or whatever, but in the end i don't hold much feeling about that person. I honestly can't think of anyone that i actively dislike [must be someone who constantly lies and cheats, and luckily i have never ran into such a person] and there are very few that i don't like, so it surprised me how much i don't like Mr. J., given that i haven't spent that much amount of time here. I can barely stand the time that i spend in his presence [or he spends in my presence]. It's all bullshit.

travel fever

sometimes it feels like a fever:
where should i go?
should i stay in Jodhpur for a couple of days before Jaisalmer or should i stop there on the way back?
which train runs there and when? what is the most convenient, time saving train connection?
will i have enough time to rest?
constantly, constantly... wishing i'd have a little more time [and money].

guilt ridden

I feel guilty about being away, leaving my parents by themselves at home. They don't need anything from me, they just need my presence.

I feel guilty about staying and traveling in this "unsafe" country. My parents get worried too much and too often.

I feel guilty about not telling them all and exactly what i do when i travel, about always toning things down so that my parents can accept them more easily.

I feel guilty 'cause despite all this feeling, i still cannot stop.

a friendly reminder to self

hey you little girl!

why are you still being so selfish? any joy that comes to any person around you should also makes you happy, no? especially when they're your friends! you know there's no reason to get envious. grow up!

the making of history

The election is today. Everyone talks about being part of history. I confess i felt jealous for not being there during this historic moment [there's another one in VN right now as well]. I also missed out Obama's speech at my school. But after all, it's not so important whether i am there or not, i'm still witnessing right now, admitted from far away. The most important question is not: were you there? Rather, it is: what did you do that moment?

moral dilemma... and one more example of why financial independence is important

my opinion of S. is, uhm, free falling, after talking with Vishal yesterday. He didn't prompt me or anything. I'd already had my doubts and he confirmed it. Not that they're doing evil work, on the contrary. But i don't think it's efficient, and most important, the man who's running it is, i don't know, i don't have the word. and to be honest, i don't have any firm ground for judgment, i barely know what's going on, and to me personally, there's nothing i can complain about. but it's my hunch. and i feel bad trying to pimp it up and fundraise for it. It's like deceiving people, not out of their money, just that i'm doing something that i don't totally believe it, if that makes sense.
and i cannot quit, well, technically yes, i can, but they cover my food and housing for me, so that's my moral (and financial) dilemma, cause if i quit and found some organization more worthy of my service, i'd have to pay out of my pocket for the rest two months.

incredible india

never a country that's so rich
colors,
sounds,
smells

an honest moment

My failings come more easily to mind than my good qualities, things what wish i had more than things i'm proud of already having. Yet, i'm quite content about myself. I think of myself as a good person overall, just that i don't have any extraordinary qualities. Or am i deliberately trying to be modest, seeing already how others talking about their own good characters can turn me off?

Anyways,

• what i like about myself: being open-minded (doesn't mean non judgmental), polite, not picky/choosy.
• what i'm proud of: adapting easily, and secretly, having lived in a few places abroad (but this is more like something i'm grateful to have had a chance to do so), and being a decent being.
  
• what i'm afraid of: never find a partner (brutally honest)
• happiest moment of my life: getting a scholarship to wesleyan. i wish i had something more romantic to say. but studying abroad in the U.S. was once my big dream. and my parents were also happy for me and proud of me. Of course there are moments when i felt great about life, usually when i see something beautiful, but that's more like a feeling of serenity or humbleness.
• what i wish i had: more aptitude. i have always wished i played a sport or had some artistic talent.
  

always into the future. never stops researching for next year's internship
sometimes just want to really be here in this moment
by the way, i'm not looking into opp. in Israel/palestine. but i guess, somehow, i'll make it there. if you really want something to happen, you'll make it happen, so doesn't matter if you defer it right now, as long as you don't lose sight of it. at least that's what i tell myself.

we're different or the same?

dalits in india
hazara in afghan
Probably everywhere, people find some groups to discriminate again. And a lot of time the discriminated would just accept it that way. "The resigning eyes of a sacrificed sheep."

You know what's oft said by tourists/travelers, how children in developing countries still enjoy themselves despite all their daily (and very likely lifetime) hardship, unlike the spoilt kids in materially advanced countries like the U.S.? i wonder if that's true, that the lack of material wealth, instead of not "corrupting" them, blunt them? just see all the street kids struggling with hunger... what does it mean for them to grow up? not having the joy that's commonly associated with childhood: being free from all concerns, what's the word, carefree? and another truth is that, poor people here can get by with so little. we don't want to use the word "development," ok, but poverty is still a reality.

Just Read

One night @ the call center: mediocre, but still learn some cultural happenings among the urban Indian youth. Don't know why the author could have said that the story represented Indian youth.

The kite runner: gripping and moving, no, heart-breaking. Pretty much finished it off in one day, in 2 seatings (had to put it down to go out to dinner). Stayed up late and skipped yoga this morning. Cried for at least half of the novel. Beautifully written. Again, a story with a background of upheaval, revolution, and immigration. Fear. The worst thing that you could do to any one. That permeating fear. Don't even know if you can trust a single soul. And then another fear, the implied one. When fear has been inculcated into a culture, when kids learn violence and suspicion the moment they are born, grow up knowing only the sounds of bombs and shootings, how could they envision and aspire to something else more humane? How could they escape or kill that haunting ghost?

Interestingly, the author of one night also asks what readers fear?

And i also fear at this moment: 1 month away from the american election. Who would win? i'm even not american. But sometimes fear signals a good thing. Elections in VN, you don't even have the privilege to have fear.

"out of touch with the situation"

despite all the reading that i've done from newspapers (online and print) and economic blogs, i'm still pretty clueless as to how this economic crisis and possible collapse would affect me. A dimmer job prospective? Probably, but i've never thought it'd be easy to find one in my field anyways. And keep in mind that i'm attending [a wealthy] college in the U.S., come from a middle class family in hanoi [again, a.k.a. upper class in VN]. So while McCain may be "out of touch with the situation" of middle class America, i wonder if most of the world feel as disconnected to this big money talk as i am.

a week in the life

I thought i wasn't spending much time outside. That was true. But going out was definitely not the best idea. I was exhausted for most of the week. Part of it was the yoga. Talk about 1 hour of yoga every morning, then another half an hour of biking to office, biking back at 8 p.m., going out till 11 p.m., ok, not at all that late, but 7 1/2 or 8 hours of sleep was not enough.
Did a bunch of cool things though. Saw Darpana's opening season show. The show was just fine, but all the dancers were beautiful. Went to St. Xavier's to see a documentary on religions, which was just ok. Met up with Anna to go to this cafe/shop, the fair price, co-op type. It was nice and all but i'm not into, a.k.a. cynical about that kind of place, though i can't really explain why.

Sunday, worked half-day in the office. Then was taken to see this well, yes, a well to store water. I wasn't too excited about the plan at first, but it turned out to be a masterpiece. Too bad i don't have the photos yet. Met some cool guys, not sure if we'll cross each other again. But one of them falls into the category of guys that i have history with: short, foreigner (this is relative), not staying here for long, not exactly in my field (as if i had one), and white. But can tell Anna and i have some similar tastes or intuitions lol.
Anyway, she's an all-around nice girl, that's definitely an underestimation, but i can't really find the word. Trying to think who she reminds me of.

Just talked with Sarah and got the slides she prepared on my behalf for the Freeman dinner. It was the sweetest thing ever. On one of them, i was so fucking high (as in HIGH) on Foss Hill but i guess no one'd be able to guess. And that was some wicked photoshop she did on this photo. Just Love It. I'm supposed to be shopping and bargaining at a bazaar lol.

fucked up priority

every one's been talking about it: the $700 billion Wall Street bailout. An economics illiterate, i cannot comment. Let's just assume that this in the long run is better for tax payers. It's taking some money away from them, true, but the other scenario would be much worse. So the government is just choosing the lesser evil. Let's agree on that.
But what about all the public schools, healthcare system, pollution, ok, nothing new, they're all so old, but they're not worth rescuing?

it could have been so much easier to stay home with my parents, to let them care for me, to go out with friends every weekend, to take things as they appear and as they come, to pretend that there's nothing to worry about, to see only few things in front of me and nothing behind or beyond.

contradictions

- those who don't have access to running water, who have to ration their use, who treasure every single drop, would pay ten times more than those who can turn on the tap 24/7

- those who live next to electric dam or who were displaced by its construction would be the last to get electricity.

- those who would never kill stray animals, who observe strict vegetarianism, would still kill other human beings, people of other religions.

- those who are so devout that they would wage a war to triumph their religious conviction would blow up themselves and others during the holy month.

ego

I say that if you care about me, you'd understand, please don't worry about me, let me do what i want. But maybe i'm just selfish, doing whatever that springs up in my mind without sparing a thought for others.

I say that i'm bad at keeping in touch, but i still treasure whatever we have between/among us. I'd like to think that i'm being present where i am, but maybe i'm just selfish and only reach out to people when i need them.

I say that i don't have a boyfriend, cause i move around too often, and cause i'm incapable of spending my whole time with someone, that it'd suffocate me. But maybe, i'm just really selfish and don't know how to curve my ego, to know how to take a step back to accommodate someone. They say all relationship must have some kind of compromise. Maybe.

sanity

What to read after the Times of India, DNA, Express, after Reuters, AP, after bomb blasts, and floods, and bankruptcy?
Vie de Merde
Overheard in New York

Lord Ganesha's Day

Every day i read the news about street celebrations and yet never got a glimpse of it, quite unsurprising, since my route comprises of going to the office from Mr. J's house at 10 a.m. and going back at around 8:30 p.m. and it takes 2-5 minutes each way, depends on whether i walk or go by car.

But finally, got to see it in close-up, and it was also the final day of the festival. Indians did live up to their tradition of being crazy dancers. It was a lot of people. (a lot as in A -- LOT, even by indian standard). And also got to see the immersion of Ganesha, which was actually scary. The paper reported 3000 idols immersed in Ahmedabad alone, including 800 in big size. Imagine all of them diluted into the river which is not even that big and which flows right through the city, cutting it into two.

But maybe even though all of the idols are made of plaster and painted with chemical paints, it's in the end nothing compared to the waste released directly from all the factories along the river. Nothing compared to all the fuel burnt when i take the plane to cross the world.

Just Read: The First Promise

The rural life in West Bengal in the tide of colonialism. Descriptions of customs, traditions (child marriage, puja, etc.) the women and their roles, how they change and are changed. the transition, the uncertainty and the inevitable. the fundamental part of identity that is challenged and that is bound to change (caste, e.g.)

Women are oppressed (and this goes for many other groups) certainly not only because men are sexist. A sexist society nurtures a sexist mentality in both men and women, so women can certainly be oppressive to themselves. They have to find the empowerment to break through. Liberation doesn't lie in the hands or at the mercy of the sexists.

traffic sign of development

- hawaii, stop on the road to greet and talk with each other: they're being friendly
- rural vietnam, cycle or walk in the middle of the road, they are being lawless, or at best oblivious to the notion of traffic roads

- new york, pedestrians jaywalk and disregard traffic lights, they're being New Yorker
- hanoi, pedestrians jaywalk and disregard traffic lights, well, it's just typical in a developing country.

extremely negative:
tired of and from work
impatient to hear back from Daina and to move in the new place
dreadful to spend the whole evening (Sat.) at J's house
and to avoid that tomorrow, will have to go somewhere
though don't really have any place, or anyone to see
lonely

democracy

1.

when i give instructions, there are always some thoughts behind. So either you ask, or you follow.

2.

since we're of different opinions, let me prevail, ok?

Just Read: The Hungry Tide

I don't like the two foreground protagonists (if such a notion exists), but the book offers a beautiful, rich, and humane depiction (or documentation?) of Sunderban, where the relationship between human and nature reaches both extremes: symbiosis and enemy. Meticulously researched like a comprehensive anthropological work that covers everything related to the locale: environment, folk tradition, history.

teamwork

Boss: Ok, let's come up with some ideas... Let's give each of the student a topic, and they will have to talk about it in one minute... Any other suggestions?

Me: Well, i'd go for a conversation, something more interactive, since this is an oral test...
...

...

...
Boss: ok, what i suggested is not perfect, but since we couldn't come up with anything better, and we don't have time left for more discussion, we'll move ahead with it.

Comment: No comment. Because i was embedded in it, i wouldn't be able to judge. Both of us knew that our ideas were not without fault, but we had different criteria, and from our own point of view, our proposal outdid the other.

being a girl means

people tend to be on the look out for you, to go out of their way to help you

you're unlikely to get into a fight with a stranger

you can see married women who never show their faces to any men not directly related to them (father, brothers, children), except the husband.

It also means:
feticide
infanticide

In India, a conservative estimate claims 0.5 million missing girls a year.

In China, the sex ratio is 119.6 male : 100 female (CIA world factbook reports an 111:100), compared to the global 105:100. In the two southern provinces of Hainan and Guangdong, it's 135.6 and 130.3, respectively. This skewed ratio has lead to a constant threat of cross-border kipnapping for Vietnamese women.

It doesn't spare the "developed" South Korea and Taiwan either. No wonder about the overseas bride demand.

outsourcing

I was first introduced to India's home helper industry in Kolkata. After the dinner at Tora's, i offered to help and was told not to worry, someone would come in in the morning to take care of it. As it turned out, there were three of them. They'd come in twice every day, each time for about 2, 3 hours: wash, clean, cook. Since Kolkata is an expensive city, a maid earns about Rs. 6 per month per family. Working for 8 families, that'd earn her Rs. 4800.

My boss also has a "maid" cum "office girl." From a conversation i had with this super sweet girl (actually, it was in broken english through another employee) i learned that she's 25, has two kids who live with her parents (in-law?) in Surat, about 200 kms away. She comes back there the first day of each month to see them. She's been working here for more than a year. Now she earns Rs. 1947 for her 8-6 work schedule.

I found my apartment yesterday (finally!). The rent costs Rs. 2000, with electricity and other expenses, it comes up to Rs. 3000. My roommate (Daina) and I are splitting the Rs. 400/month pay to our maid. The thought of cleaning our own house and washing our own clothes seems very alien here.

Anyway, the apartment is spacious. It's on the 4th floor, and Daina's room has a beautiful view of the river. It's 2 minutes walk from the Darpana school, next door to which is a little cafe, seems like an artsy neighborhood to me.

Can't say how grateful i am to Daina. She didn't want to sublet it to my at first, but then she got my text and couldn't say no. She said she understands how hard it is to find a place here. She herself spent 7, 8 months to land this one.
Not only that, this place is a real luxury to me, after having seen the girl hostel: 20 girls on one floor, 3-4 people in one tiny room, shared bath and toilet. And it costs Rs. 1350. The other place that i asked was a flat with 2 other girls, but the room is tiny, and it costs Rs. 4000, just rent, nothing else included. Ridiculous!

A day in the life

Still haven't found housing yet. Could have been much easier if I could pay out of my pocket. But i'm not willing to, especially since i'm not making any money. Would rather save for other expenses.

A successful person doesn't necessarily work hard, but work smart.

A quote posted in our office.

Don't know if we're working smart or hard or not, but we're certainly working long: rarely closing the office before 9 p.m.
Anyways, i'm excited to leave early today to head to alliance francaise.

faking to be high-tech

discomgoogolation: Colbert's missed it this time.

Chrome: got really excited over Google's Chrome and couldn't install the damn thing because of this Window's incompatibility .

Hadn't it been for vietnamese blogs, I'd have forgotten it's Sept 2nd

oddly enough

So the fish i was talking about in this post had a partner. They looked alike and of course i couldn't tell them apart. But anyways, we came home last night (to Mr. Jowher's) and found one convulsing, gasping for air on the floor. He had jumped out of the tank. I didn't know if it was the fish I'd noticed or it was the other one.

breast

yay! everyone's fav topic.

Vietnamese: small, mostly As and smaller. Seems to have been so forever and i haven't seen much change in the past 10 years or so despite our diet heading into a new path. And for stupid reasons, we are still so embarrassed about it and can't embrace it as part of our figure and feature.

French: have to say i'm not quite sure since i was there for only 6 months and it was cold most of the time so despite their fashionableness, people bundled up (in black or grey) so it was hard to judge. I'd say mostly As and Bs, look quite proportional to their shape.

American: huge. I've seen guys in Vietnam goggled their eyes out at Bs. In the U.S. Bs and Cs are such a common sight. Ds are fewer, but you still see them around.

Indian: have the most beautiful breasts that i've ever seen, no matter what size they are, from the skinniest to the chubbiest.

A side note: In the U.S, i wear an XS, sometimes an S, hate that feeling when i go shopping and find that every top and dress looks weird on me because of the bubble that my breast can't fill in.
In France, I wear an S, clothes generally don't have that breast "pocket" and plus, once i wear bras, my breasts have better shape so they fit better. However, my American friends had a lot of trouble finding something that gave their breasts enough space to breath.
In VN, I wear an M or an L (!?!?!) And sometimes, I ind things that would look like a binder on me, even when I've taken off my bras. Crazy. And have to keep in mind that my breasts are super small, like a typical Vietnamese.

just read - a bend in the river

sounds like a stupid thing to say, but no book has given me such a clear insight into the history of Africa, the ambivalent legacy that new independent states inherit from colonialism.

from Kolkata to Ahmedabad

In Kolkata, the women don't seem to care about the scorching sun and the suffocating dust, such a fresh switch from the Vietnamese with our own "hijab" (only eyes shown), and the Singaporean who seek refuge under awnings.
In Ahmedabad, women also wear "hijab" though all of them are clearly not Muslim. I was surprised and my first thought was maybe these girls just wanted to avoid stares on the street by covering up. And how ignorant i was. They have the same concern and came up with almost the same solution as Vietnamese. I have to give them credit because their scarfs look so much more elegant than our ninja masks, but maybe not protective (read hard-core) enough to our standard.

internet cafe registration

Full name, Full address, ID/Passport number, and Phone number. For God's fucking sake!

I don't think i'd ever keep bird and fish. The other day, i was watching the fish tank and saw this fish that kept pushing itself to the glass. Of course it's impossible to know if it wanted to break out or if it was simply amusing itself. Still, even if some of them get used to their idle simple life, some others must get so bored and depressed.

why internship is great

4th day in A'bad and 3rd day in the office and a few important things that I realized some time before are reinforced:

- sitting at one place makes me feel restless, gluing my eyes to the computer exhausts me physically and mentally (wonder how computer engineers can cope with that exhaustion). Pacing around the office space is not enough to unleash my energy. I don't think I'd be able to content myself with a 9-5 office job.

- i CANNOT stay with someone 24/7, unless said person gives me some reasonable personal space, i.e. doesn't require me to communicate and to be present with him all the time, i can choose when i want to talk or listen.

- i don't really talk about what i've accomplished, or for that matter, merely what i've done in my life, to people that i don't know well. Yes, i can chit chat and drop in some details from time to time to build up the rapport and confidence, but no more. And I welcome people to confide in me, it makes for easy conversation, and I do think of myself as a sympathetic (and sometimes even empathetic) listener, but no more than that! Incessant talking kills all the fun in verbal exchange, especially when i'm NOT asking any questions. It tires and bores me. And if it revolves mainly around personal achievements, it breeds nothing but the reverse effect on me because I've grown more and more allergic/aversed to anything akin to a personality cult.

- i need a supporting work environment, which fortunately i'm having, and which includes: friendly coworkers, and supervisors who guide, not dictate or impose on me.

- diversity in my activities is one of my existential needs; i have to split myself up; i am simply not able to get consumed in one single thing

- pros and cons of working with people whose mother tongue I don't understand (will expand on this regarding traveling): people's amusement with me trying to learn a few Hindi phrases, their eagerness (and mine) to overcome our different accents, etc. The other side of it is that it's unlikely that i'll develop any deep relationship with my coworkers, with language being such an essential part in the way i communicate with the world. I don't really know what's going on in the office, the dynamics, the talk, the argument and conflict (if they do exist) and how they're resolved. I'd want to learn not only professional, but also relationship skills. For that reason, I'm distancing myself from the search of an internship next summer in some place like Japan. My Japanese has degraded rapidly, in an out of control manner and it'd take a lot of time to rebuff it.

Just read: The Inheritance of Loss

a novel exploring extremely complex and intertwined issues: interethnic relationship, nationalism, immigration, uprising, globalization, the making of history, etc. in a series of everyday stories. It seems straightforward enough, but the perspicacity could hardly come from someone who hasn't spent time in another part of the world, seeing another angle of the apple. Immigrants, or just people who move in general, do have that opportunity of stringing together the pieces.

In light of the ongoing Jammu-Kashmir upheaval and the Georgia-South Ossetia controversial break, it brought back the questions that I've stuck with for a long time: How can you know that your acts are of your true desire and not of a mob mentality? That they are a dedication to the cause and not an abuse of the cause? When you've already been part of the whirlwind, how can you cut yourself off, take a step aside to see which way it's going? What's the difference between a personal revenge and a public punishment? Can either be justified?

just browsed through Lev's blog on his travels to Palestine/Israel this past summer. Emotions stirred up again.

the Kolkata experience

- The second time that everyone around me is eyeing me without discreet because of my physical difference. The first time was in Algeria. Except that this time the boys aren't murmuring or screaming "Chinoise" to my face. And except that this time sellers and service workers of all types are trying to get more rupees out of me. Uhm, I'm probably biased. They try to do that to everyone inexperienced, Indians and non-Indians alike.

- Surprisingly low number of non South Asians on the street. First count: first day, 2 East Asian looking persons. Second count: second day, while roaming around the downtown area, some East Asians, some whites.

- Rickshaw, bus, tram, metro, auto, auto, rickshaw: that's how i got around the first day. I think i've put my butt on every single kind of public transport here. And one reason why you shouldn't expose too much of your flesh here is that it IS crowded, well except on the rickshaw.

In one of these auto-rickshaws, about 1.2 m in width, I once found myself with 1 high school boy plus 5 full-sized Indian adults, by which I mean people whose body girth is 1.5 to 2.5 times bigger than mine.

- Coming here after having retrained myself in Vietnam for + 2 months, I was still in total shock at the driving mentality. Autos dodge to the right, sway back to the left. The drivers here can certainly compete with their Algerian or Vietnamese counterparts; and I suspect that they'd win. Sometimes you find, only a few meters in front of your auto, hundreds of vehicles all rushing toward you. Another time, the back edge of a huge bus only half a span from your thigh.
Another scenario: inside a tunnel, cramped with cars and autos and buses, all within a few milimeters from each other, ALL HONKING, for no reasons, just like a fashion thing to do.

i cried on the plane, not because i was homesick or anything, but i just felt bad for my parents.
...
arrived in Kolkata
and it doesn't take long to shine on me again why i love going abroad so much. the people, the food, histories and stories.

not much of a TV person, but 2 shows that i'd love to go see live:
Taratata
and of course
The Colbert Report



God, he's so sexy! xox

stuff white people like

A-genius. Full of sarcasms, self-poking fun.

a list of topic in March and things that apply to me:

Modern Furniture - beh
The Idea of Soccer - i grew up in VN, so "the idea" should be eliminated
Graduate School - true
Hating Corporations - too true
Bad Memories of High School - nope, i went to school in Vietnam
T-shirts - i'm ambiguous about this
The Wire - no comment, haven't watched it yet.
Shorts - yup, except it's not working this summer in VN; i'm mass attacked by mosquitoes.
Outdoor Performance Clothes - nope, i'm not at all sportive, especially by white standard.
Having Gay Friends - true, considering that i go to Wes, no surprise that at least half of my friends are queer
Saint Patrick's Day - true, i was in New Orleans for SPD, no reason why i shouldn't like it
Dinner Parties - true
San Francisco - true, even though i've never been there
Paris - sad but true
Should Children Drink Wine - again i grew up in VN; this is not the question.
Music Piracy - what can i say!? the only thing that i've ever paid for "full price" was probably Radiohead's In Rainbows.

s'inquieter

Ahmedabad in shock after blasts

This is the city i'm going to for next semester. The organization i'll be working for focus their effort exactly on this kind of problem: the tension between the hindu and the muslim communities. Yes, i'm fascinated by their work and that's why i chose to work for them. But, to be honest, i'm scared, not sure if i'll be able to deal with all the complexity of the situation, and also for my own security. Except that i'm not saying any of these things to my parents lest they be worried.
That's how it is in my family. We deal with problems by ourselves because we don't want to trouble others. My parents try to encourage my sister and me to confide in them and consult with them, especially since we're away most of the time, but they always do exactly the opposite. This has been going on for so long that now i've ended up with this habit: either i don't talk about the problem, or i'd make it lighter and put on a bold front. This helps in another way since my parents don't seem to understand that i can be happy with my choice and be worried about what it might lead to at the same time. Like, i've been really stressed out about finding a job in Vietnam after i graduate. Let's face it, a degree in sociology doesn't mean much here. And all the NGO jobs i've been checking out requires years and years of experience which i don't have. I'm not at all confident that i'll be able to live out my idealistic life. My parents don't need to know this: they've always talked about why i should regret not majoring in something like economics. No, mom and dad.

On a different note, kinda related to the first news:
Israeli force kill two Palestinians on the West Bank city of Nablus; Islamic Jihad threatens retaliation
I almost stayed there as well, at An-Najah university where they had the camp. I don't think this even made to the headlines, a trite story probably.

summer vacation

eat, sleep
go out for a drink with friends
run errands with mom sometimes
go out with mom and dad from time to time
argue with them
get sour with them
take care of housework from time to time
and for the rest, let them wait on me
surf net
couldn't be more well-behaved and productive

contradictions pt. 2

- like to think of myself as anti-materialist (very indicative of how i am such a product of my liberal education) and yet still want to have enough money to satisfy all my "hobbies": good food, travel, etc.

- want to work for the community but always ignore others' opinions; those that are not close to me, i don't give a fuck what they think, and those that are close, well, i don't care either, because however they may find me, in the end, we would still be understanding and true to one another.

contradictions

- always accumulate for themselves, live selfishly and yet, always live in the fear of rumors and yield to others' judgment.

- go to temples and pray to the Buddha; Buddha teaches - at least this is what i think - not to be self-absorbed, not to avoid hardship in life, and to be detached to all wants, and yet they only pray for more wealth and more success

currently reading and listening

currently reading: Catch-22
Brilliant, hilarious, perceptive, ridiculous. I've laughed and cried so much. Full of absurd truths and truthful absurdities. Impossible to summarize all my thoughts.
most recent favorite quote: "anything [any country?] worth dying for is certainly worth living for."

currently listening: la chambre renversée. First saw it on TV5, just after a few seconds, i was like OMG this is so cute. Not sure if i'd have loved the song if i hadn't seen the clip. The images just fit so well with the music and the words. I'm not talking about the lyrics, but about the way the words sound. Together, they look like a children's story, a lot of imaginations, uninhibited with innocence and simplicity. Makes me feel like floating all day long while listening to the song.

middle class guilt pt. 2

Summer thunderstorm, the kind that you'd have to bend you back under its weight, heaven and earth white washed into one.
Inside:
Dad: And they still have to load the tailings under this rain and wind.
Mom: Yet they would never fall sick, unbelievable, while we who stay inside all the time would end up coughing non-stop.
Me:...
took out the camera, and didn't dare to use the flash and ended up with this.

the fight

went to my motorbike test with Luc (my car driving teacher)
I didn't need his help so i told myself that i wasn't doing anything wrong.
But there were a lot of eyesores, and i didn't dare to speak up once, cause i myself was an examinee and they could have failed me easily. How pathetic! Me, who shout Fight and Fight.
And even though under no circumstances would i seek for my teacher's "assistance," i didn't have the courage to tell him not to come with me, thought it'd offend him. Always shout Fight and Fight.

to-do wish list

work for a chocolatier
travel in Latin America
have a cafe, either a book cafe or a performing art one, or both
open a school with progressive teaching and learning ("pedagogy of the oppressed") for disadvantaged youth
work for a TV channel, something like Discovery, focused on travel, lifestyle, and culture (although there are a lot i'm not sure about, like the gap between the object exposed, the target audience, and of course the power of the language medium)
learn how to play a musical instrument
know well a style of dance
go parachuting/free-fall and bungee jumping
learn to swim well and go diving, surfing, wind surfing, water skiing
keep my English, improve my French, relearn Japanese, learn Spanish and Arabic
spend some time in Israel/Palestine

question

why we keep lying to kids?

no head or no heart?

picked Dave up at Daewoo hotel, went to look for a xe om driver to take him home. Seeing his white skin, they decided to double the price. I could have easily paid 15,000VND but didn't like that attitude so I bargained. All of them made a volte face and started berating me.

at each crossroad, after the red light's turned green, everyone, lips tightened, struggles to speed forward, but sometimes no one can move because it's too crowded. And for some reason, people still honk endlessly. What do they think it'd solve? I notice that most of them drive (or at least the honk sounds like it comes from a car).

today when we got to Canh, there were cars in both directions so they slowed down so as not to scratch each other. Some motorbikes "mindlessly" took to the left and ended up stopping right in front of the cars going in the other direction. Traffic Jam!

Sometimes it's just hard to understand. Is it because they think for themselves (although in the long run they don't gain a thing) or because they can't think for others?

intimate

a hundred flowers bloom

thief hunting

an article on vnexpress
a spectacular thief chase in the middle of Sai Gon
if only people could be that gung ho and keep up their joint efforts until the last minute in combating other things.

chess playing

Took Dave to Ngoc Son (Pearl Mountain?) temple. As we walked pass a group of men playing chinese chess, Dave commented that he really liked it because it was social. Vietnamese styled, 1 game = 2 players + 10 bystanders who are advisors, commentators, and supporters at the same time.

10 years

Tu said: it's been 10 years. I counted with my finger phanlanxes: 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, 3; that's true, it's been 10 years. Time goes fast, i have friends who i've known for half, even for three fourths of my life (i'm 20). Feel so touched and incredibly lucky.
A few days later, i told him: i think about the future, in a few years from now, each of us will have our own job and be busy with our own life and we won't be able to see each other (i avoided saying that our group would break up), that'd be so sad.
He replied: for each period we'll find a different way of relating to each other, we'll keep different memories, friends will stay friends.
It doesn't sound untrue.

family anecdotes

anecdote #1
The 2 granddaughters of my host mom came over for a few days during their school vacation. At the end of their stay, my host mom had to take them to their other grandmother's. I asked her if it was far and she replied it wasn't, it was in Grenoble.
Thought to myself: and they never pay visit to each other (or do they and I'm not aware?)

anecdote #2
asked Aurélie if she went home often. She wanted to clarify what I meant by often because from the point of view of a French, yes, but from that of an Italian, no.
I turned to Cristiano: so by Italian standard, do you go home often? - No, but for me that's enough. From Milan it takes about 3 hours by car and I go home once every couple of months or so. But I have friends who come home every weekend, that's the Italian way.

anecdote #3
if asked where's my native place [quê], i'd say Nam Dinh because that's where my grandfather was born and brought up, even though i don't even go there every year, and i've stayed overnight there only ONCE my whole life, and because it was a trip with Hoa.

anecdote #4
A little bit more than a month ago, my parents went to Thanh Hoa for the death anniversary of Ngo Ro, the grandfather of the founding father of my dad's village in Nam Dinh. It's said that during the war, for fear that the bomb would destroy all the seals and tablets of Ngo Tu (son of Ngo Ro and father of the village founder), the people in Thanh Hoa had to borrow a car to carry everything to Nam Dinh. After seven, eight hundred years and tens of generations (each of them had probably at least ten children), they could still keep track of all the family annals and know for sure where everyone was. That takes a lot of talents.

"what to write"

i love my daughters Ly and Thuy

i love you and our daughters a lot

dad's hands calcify and he has to practice writing.

3rd day in Ha Noi

likes:
- friends
- food
- tree shaded streets

dislikes:
- dirt
- humidity
- no urban planning
- race of house building, banging and smashing deafeningly from dawn till dusk, nowadays the tearing down and building up houses has even surpassed road repair.
- bicycle has almost disappeared from the street
- gasoline fume
- food hygiene and inflation which drive everyone into superstores.

and a little bit sad because
- banaba has died and flamboyant is no longer flamboyant.
- no Euro scene. no atmosphere (probably because of inflation)

to learn and to educate

Aparna sent me an email and attached her senior essay. Couldn't help crying when i read it, especially toward the end, really touching. "Unlearning the Promise of Schools."

It doesn't matter where, the US or VN, in an unjust system, the poor, even with schooling, have little chance to succeed, and even when they manage to finish high school, how many continue to higher education? And how many (in VN) go study abroad? And even more important is asking whether said education is conducive to the learner's development.

I've always thought about working in education, of course not teaching at school, because first off i don't have the diploma, and second, Vietnamese education is too stifling, too suffocating, i'm not trained enough to stand it. An Inhumane Education.

I don't know what I can teach, or how, but Freire says "teacher" and "learner" have to proceed together, have to teach and to learn from each other. If the "learner" doesn't see the benefit of learning, education fails. I don't have any set of skills or profession to teach; what i want to teach, at least at this moment, is the habit of independent thinking. Think independently, and know how to question so as not to be fooled. Think independently, to be able to recognize our own's and others' worth, and to respect each other. Think independently, to be able to identify what is corrupt, what is unjust. To think independently to be able to find creative ways to overcome obstacles in personal life and in society.

But how can i be sure that others share these values? The kids who have to struggle every day to survive, do they and their parents see the reward in that kind of untraditional learning? Can it be combined with arts activities so that the learner can self-explore, experiment, and express?
The answer is that i don't know. I can't sit here and hypothesize, totally cut off from reality. Just some pondering. What to do for a more just society, for each citizen to take on more responsibility, to "antagonize" over social problems, and to feel that they can contribute something?

How to balance a desire to work at a personal level (i.e. to teach, to interact with kids) and at the same time, make a difference that doesn't stop at each individual but will develop itself further and further? Of course, i can talk about the chain effect: the change in each individual will influence many others, and so on. But... i'm not sure what i want to say. I think about those schools for peace and democracy in Israel and Palestine. In the midst of war, of hatred and feud, people open schools where they teach the young tolerance, respect for difference, and coexistence. An exemplar for making difference at two difference levels.

I can't tell the kids that they need to do well in school, they will succeed and earn a lot of money, etc. I don't want to and i don't believe in such things.
I remember when I tutored SAT for some highschoolers, i asked why they wanted to go to college... Because no one in my family is a college graduate, i want to be the first one, i want to have knowledge so that i can pursue what i really like... Tears were in my eyes and i really didn't know what to say.
That was in the US, in VN, i'd want to say: please study so that one day, you'll be the one who fight against the unacceptable, for yourselves and for others, you'll fight for education reform for example. But i'm still worried. Can people switch between two different modes without them blending together? Going to school for 10 years, knowing that what they are taught is bullshit (in such subjects as literature and history in particular, and the method of teaching/learning in general), after those 10 years, will there be any spirit left to fight against that bullshit? But if they don't conform in the classroom, will they get there?

In the meantime, i hope that there are still teachers who have conscience, love their jobs and are passionate about them, and know how to respect their students; i hope those who are still at school, by one way or another, will not let themselves squelched; i hope all those who can will go abroad, even better if they make friends with people from all over the world, to see that they have different perspectives from which we can learn, to see that we have common values and goals so that we can join together, to see more clearly the transformation of society, in their countries, in VN, in the world. Nothing is immutable.

This part from Aparna's essay really says it all:

school communities need to become sites of collective organizing, where instead of preparing students for a world of unfair life chances, we collectively struggle to change the realities we see and experience. This is why integration is fundamental to a liberating vision of education. Until we are all at the table, the experiences of working-class children and poor children will remain unreal to middle-class and wealthy children, the experiences of Black and Brown children will remain unreal to white children and the experiences of disabled children remain will unreal to able-bodied children. Integration gives us the potential to build a movement where we can understand ourselves as human, where we stand in solidarity with each other’s experiences and where we viscerally know that none of us is free until all of us are free.

Education must be intellectual, emotional, ethical and practical.

Education needs to be humane.

overweight

I need to shed like 22 lbs... fast! in like a week. I've tried to guard myself against temptations, and i've actually been pretty successful: i haven't gained any; i have about the same pounds that i had 6 months ago when i came here. but still it's not gonna work... ok, 22 lbs is kinda a lot, and hard to realize; 11lbs then, i'd be content with 11 lbs...
But even in that case, I'd still be fined $25 for the extra weight, and to someone broke, that's pretty hard to support.

the best joke ever

I just stumbled upon globorati, "the latest word in luxury travel." First step, check out to see what Vietnam has to offer; there might be something to pass along to my CS comrades. (Seriously, no sarcasm there) .

A click on the country's name redirects me to this recommendation of a bike tour that groups together 5 countries of south east asian mainland.
Let it ride:

After all, biking tours no longer mean roughing it among calf-swollen backpackers: now that it’s been dubbed “a beneficiary of the 21st century zeitgeist,” vacation pedal power is the new darling of the eco-intelligentsia.

Oh yes, just perfect for the "green-minded" travelers. Some other highlights in their itinerary:

Just thank your private Challenger jet as it wings you from Burma’s western plateau [...] to the UNESCO Heritage streets of Hoi An in central Vietnam. And in the evenings, as B&R’s crack team tunes your hybrid bike for yet another adventure, you’ll recoup your legs in plush accommodations [...] Here, in your raised pavilion suite, you’ll want to spend quality time in your soaking tub. Or you can seek out the spa, consistently rated among the world's best.

and you would think that on such a site they would not dare poke fun at their readers/customers.

freecyle

http://www.freecycle.org
a network that is active in many different parts of the world. You offer things that you know, have been sitting in that corner for a little too long and can look for things from old clothes to bikes to TVs.
It's really sweet, kinda like the PODs we used to have at Wes.
And even more so for someone like me who moved here to Grenoble for only 6 months with a suitcase and a backpack. I couldn't bring everything-that-i-might-need-to-use-once with me. With freecycle, i can borrow stuff, leaving them here again when i leave.

Earlier this semester, i looked for a pair of mountain boots to go hiking and got it from this girl called Violaine. I went up to her apartment to pick the shoes up, and OMG, she lives in a penthouse with 2 huge windows: one looks over the central square down town, typical European style with cobblestoned streets lined with red brick roofed cafes and restaurants, really pretty; and the other has a beautiful, untarnished view of the mountain. I was awed.

Moving forward 3 months, i realized that i'd be leaving Grenoble soon and i didn't have that many photos of the city. I shot Violaine an email asking if i could come over to her place with my camera one day and she said: sure why not; she was out of town often back then but one of her flatmates could open the door for me. However the weather's been pretty crappy and the only day when the sun sneaked out, no one was home when I called. I let her know that and today, she replied to tell me that she'd be home this Sunday, and that she could also leave me the keys under the doormat if i wanted to drop by when nobody was around. Serious, WTF? We've met once, for like, i don't know, 10, maybe 15 minutes.
People need to stop being so fucking amazing.

peregrinating

I first learned this word thanks to Sara Hoffman; it's her username on couchsurfing. Sounds beautiful.

It's been hard to come to term with my unrealized dream, a.k.a. Israel/Palestine for this summer. But, there's no way other than dealing with it. So i canceled my flight to Tel-Aviv, decided to go home, got my ticket, wrote to my parents and friends, contacted people for volunteer opportunities and dancing classes, etc. all within a span of 36 hours.

And i fancy some peregrination, first on the way home, crossing overland from Bangkok, through Laos, to Ha Noi. I had to cancel it though, after learning that one of my best friends from elementary school would be leaving for the whole summer to visit her family in Ukraine. I decided to fly instead so that I'd be able to spend a couple of days with her.

But in August, when i go to India, it would look like this: from Sai Gon (Ho Chi Minh city), take a boat or ferry to Phnom Penh, continue up to Siem Reap, and then down again to Battambang (i heard it's magnificent). I'm not sure if it'd work from Sai Gon to Phnom Penh, but in any case, i can always take the bus. From Battambang to Bangkok, not sure if there's a train or only a bus, doesn't matter any way. Fly from Bangkok to Calcutta, and then board the train from Calcutta to Ahmedabad, which takes about 35 hours to literally cross India from East to West.

At the end of my stay in Ahmedabad, which will be in mid-December, I'll still have a month before the spring semester starts at Wesleyan. And here's THE ambition:
From Delhi, take the train to Amritsa, cross the border to Lahore, board the train all the way down to Karachi, up again to Quetta to take another one to Zahedan. (Rumors has it that this line has been canceled). Once in Zahedan, take the bus to Bam, train again up to Tehran, and finally another one to Damacus via Turkey.

The biggest concern is, not so surprisingly, getting visa for Pakistan, Iran, and Syria (maybe even Turkey?) when i'm in India. It's always more complicated in a third country. And even if that happens, what would the U.S. consulate say to my face when they see all those visas?

i've tried my best

so it doesn't work.
the Paris consulate no.
the Marseille consulate no.
Zajel said up front that they would not be able to help. FFIPP confirmed that they were aware of the situation but never followed up.
Friends no
Couchsurfers no
the only thing that i didn't do was go to the local synagogue. but who'd have the guts to go begging people they don't know, especially when it's such a weird request? i know i don't. although the people on couchsurfing that i asked were basically strangers as well, they belong to a certain kind. well, they're not humans. who would be stupid enough to put up stranger and treat them like old time friends? oh, maybe they're humans, and they're among the best.
to Israel/Palestine, all i can say is maybe another time.

Vietnamese passport

Up to this point, the only time that i've felt thankful to my vietnamese passport was when i went to Algeria. French nationals have to pay 30 euros; i got it for free (plus a handshake from the guy). Never before had i felt so welcome, but they didn't cut me any slack either.

Other than that, it always make me want to cry...
Except for ASEAN countries, no matter where i go, i have to scramble around, going through all the hassle, and paying a not so insignificant amount of money. Perhaps partly because tourists from other countries (a.k.a. U.S. and Europe) don't have it that easy with Viet Nam either. It's not like Latin America or North Africa where they can just lug their suicases/backpacks up to the border (or airport) gate, get a stamp, and they can good morning Vietnam.

I've always been against the whole visa thing for ideological reasons but i've never been more frustrated than recently.
For a tourist visa to Israel, the consulate requires that i have a carte de séjour valid for at least 6 months after the date of return. I'm simply here for a semester and my visa lasts until the middle of june. I'll peace out and I'm not coming back. I tried to explain that i'm done with France but apparently, that was not good enough for them. I "terrorize" them almost every day with phone calls. They must find me really fucking annoying. I can't get hold of them anymore and they don't even care to return my messages. Don't know if i should be sad or angry.

In necessity, invent! Well, "invent," (i'm not much of a creative person). I thought about going to one of Israel's neighboring countries (there are 3 of them: Egypt, Turkey, and Jordan) and once I was there, I'd try to apply for a visa saying I was traveling in the Middle East, hoping that it'd look more legit. Un petit problème: Vietnam is among 20 countries (out of 200?) whose citizens need a visa prior to their arrival. And the guy i talked with at the Israeli consulate said that even if i got to the border, no guarantee that it'd be easier. How pathethic is this?!

on est tous en visite

(intérieur. table de salle à manger. Alphonse et sa femme)


femme: tu manges avec ton manteau ? on dirait que t'es en visite !
Alphonse: on est tous en visite ! on débarque on fait un peu de tourisme et puis on repart , tu crois sincèrement que ça vaut la peine d'enlever son manteau? pour attraper la crève? prématurément?

Buffet Froid - Bertrand Blier (1979)