googled myself

To see how popular i am. Clearly i'm not. Only a couple of results popped up. That hurt my ego a little bit ;) but at least i don't have anything to fear for my future job apps. Anyways, i came across this photo in the Wes Connection newsletter, taken in the fall or 2005, in front of church

can't wait for it to end

I rarely ever say that i don't like something or someone and people think i'm just trying to be diplomatic. The simple truth is that i don't have the "extreme" personality. I might feel upset, disappointed, irritated or whatever, but in the end i don't hold much feeling about that person. I honestly can't think of anyone that i actively dislike [must be someone who constantly lies and cheats, and luckily i have never ran into such a person] and there are very few that i don't like, so it surprised me how much i don't like Mr. J., given that i haven't spent that much amount of time here. I can barely stand the time that i spend in his presence [or he spends in my presence]. It's all bullshit.

travel fever

sometimes it feels like a fever:
where should i go?
should i stay in Jodhpur for a couple of days before Jaisalmer or should i stop there on the way back?
which train runs there and when? what is the most convenient, time saving train connection?
will i have enough time to rest?
constantly, constantly... wishing i'd have a little more time [and money].

guilt ridden

I feel guilty about being away, leaving my parents by themselves at home. They don't need anything from me, they just need my presence.

I feel guilty about staying and traveling in this "unsafe" country. My parents get worried too much and too often.

I feel guilty about not telling them all and exactly what i do when i travel, about always toning things down so that my parents can accept them more easily.

I feel guilty 'cause despite all this feeling, i still cannot stop.

a friendly reminder to self

hey you little girl!

why are you still being so selfish? any joy that comes to any person around you should also makes you happy, no? especially when they're your friends! you know there's no reason to get envious. grow up!

the making of history

The election is today. Everyone talks about being part of history. I confess i felt jealous for not being there during this historic moment [there's another one in VN right now as well]. I also missed out Obama's speech at my school. But after all, it's not so important whether i am there or not, i'm still witnessing right now, admitted from far away. The most important question is not: were you there? Rather, it is: what did you do that moment?

moral dilemma... and one more example of why financial independence is important

my opinion of S. is, uhm, free falling, after talking with Vishal yesterday. He didn't prompt me or anything. I'd already had my doubts and he confirmed it. Not that they're doing evil work, on the contrary. But i don't think it's efficient, and most important, the man who's running it is, i don't know, i don't have the word. and to be honest, i don't have any firm ground for judgment, i barely know what's going on, and to me personally, there's nothing i can complain about. but it's my hunch. and i feel bad trying to pimp it up and fundraise for it. It's like deceiving people, not out of their money, just that i'm doing something that i don't totally believe it, if that makes sense.
and i cannot quit, well, technically yes, i can, but they cover my food and housing for me, so that's my moral (and financial) dilemma, cause if i quit and found some organization more worthy of my service, i'd have to pay out of my pocket for the rest two months.